As an avid Frank Ocean fan, I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t know the context behind this line and the song it belongs to - Moon River.
But, it perfectly captures how I have felt since finishing university, its engrained in my memory, May the 30th 2024. Completing a journey which hitherto defined my adulthood is definitely daunting and has produced many nights lost to wondering what life will be like. I use ‘wonder’ instead of ‘worrying’ because how I have thought about the next chapter has certainly changed. There is so much life, so much to explore. In the final legs of third year, I spent much of it worrying about the next steps. But when you actually finish, you’re hit by just how vast life is.
It’s something I’ve always known but now I finally understand. There are endless possibilities, innumerate chances to be whoever and become whatever what you want to be. It is scary and exciting simultaneously. Whilst university was freeing, there was still a sense of restriction, still being accountable to a source of authority, but with that gone 'real' life is literally just around the bend. Both freedom and responsibility awaits around the corner and there is no hiding from it you, are forced to grapple with both regardless of whether you run to embrace it or try to delay it to spend more time in the life that you have created and become accustomed to.
If you have engaged with the blog before, you may have seen my 'Confessions of an Oxford Finalist' post which expressed candid feelings of struggling, dread and anxiety. It would be a lie to say those feelings have disappeared, but as I acknowledged in that post, emotions are transient. To me, life works in cycles and currently, I am in a cycle of reaping and waiting. Reaping the rewards of my investments throughout my university career but also waiting for the next chapter. Waiting to see what 21 and what I deem as 'real' adulthood holds.
Admittedly, it has taken me a little while to write this post. This is for two reasons, 1) it is personal and that is not usually what I write about, 2) the content does not fit into a tidy framework, how I feel and think about this transition changes practically every week. I wanted to publish something that was a balance of all these swirling emotions, and that upon reflection, I could connect with and still see myself in in a few months’ time.
For now, this is the most balanced it will get, but I look forward to updating you with any changes soon!
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